I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
You Might Also Like
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Can Happiness buy money?
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”