Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
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E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.