5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
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wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.