If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
You Might Also Like
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
much to think about
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine