Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
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netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
The internet is full of many things
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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