I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
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“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.