A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
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*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
My birthstone is kidney
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake