Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
You Might Also Like
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys