I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
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She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Godspeed, John Glenn
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog: