There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
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When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping