how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
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omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭