I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
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I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”