My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
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Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.