You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?