I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
You Might Also Like
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.