Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
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I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Comparing yourself to others
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
monday
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME