My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
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I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what