Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
You Might Also Like
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
fair
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
my favorite genre of twitter
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.