*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
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no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?