I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
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It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”