Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.