I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
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sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail