My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
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“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother