I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
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[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.