If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
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Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
When you’re Kinky but poor
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”