Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
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Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
knights of the ikea table
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
step 6: release the wall snake
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Body by Oreos
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler