Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
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No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew