Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
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5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.