nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
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My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.