My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
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Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…