NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
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A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.