Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
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*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
This is the one
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Can’t stop laughing
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.