Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
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China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.