kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
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Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
A short story of betrayal:
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.