[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
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The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Something Saturday.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?