[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
You Might Also Like
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..