Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
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inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Art by Pastelkatto
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.