My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
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What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]