Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
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*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
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Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You