Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
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I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
oh my god
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh