I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
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Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything