Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
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the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]