Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
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ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
The glory of fall.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.