Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
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[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.