casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
You Might Also Like
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”