Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
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I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now