Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
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Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Sticker placement is key.