*feels the wind in my toe hair
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Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past