ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
You Might Also Like
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
somebody come look at this
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating