Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
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My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
sliding into dms like
This probably isn’t good
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.